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Danaé is a winsome 17 year old gal with the book smart of an oriental kid and the delectable charm of Patrick Stewart. Wait... Am I supposed to be nice on this or not? It's kind of confusing... Should I just be a complete dick? Now that I think of it, I'm sort of a sweet salty bastard in real life, so it only makes sense that I act like so on this wikia. On that note, let's take a closer look at that blond taciturn soul-griper! (Soul-griper being a merciful term for bitch) She's the definition of the word divisive, which doesn't matter to her, because I'm writing this whole page in the Shakespearian language instead of the fancy frog-eaters one. That point will piss off more than one, but hey, I like my humor the same way I like Montreal, only in English, please. For what I can assume, she's a feminist, which is basically cancer for we, the Men, aaand I'm pretty sure she's poor. What gave me an hint is the fact that she hasn't spend a single day not mentioning it, pretty much like me who hasn't spend a day not mentioning my skin-color (oh, shit, that's the people around me) or not thinking about suicide. Anyway, I won't make a joke about the fact that she's poor, I wouldn't touch that subject with a 10ft stick (cause I think poor people are society's biggots and potential koodies carriers). Biography Danaé was born... fuck, I don't even know where she was born. Okay, well that's a good beginning. I'm going to say Laval, because it's where she lives... and it sucks, she sucks, it's a perfect match. Point of this paragraph being, she's French and Canadian. Yeah, kinda SUX doesn't it? Like being Canadian wasn't punishment enough. And to be coextensive to the nice North-American folks, I give myself the right of judging other people by the place they're from. So in reality, I couldn't have said that she sucked before talking to her (which beautifully proved my point by the way) unless I knew where she was from, and in that case, talking to her would have only been accessory. As accessory as recently cucked Barack Obama who was an alien reptile controlled for 8 years by that Shaddow-Puppet Master of the Illuminati. She had a very boyish childhood, by which I mean she looked like a boy, thanks to her short hair. Nothing much to say except that a short blond hair is like the one thing that defines the 2000s, except maybe the frosted tips and fucking Shrek. Actually, the most 2000s thing ever is a blond boy with short hair and frosted tips wearing a short-sleeve shirt with flames on it and sunglasses, while listening to Linkin Park and bragging to his friends about his sick skateboard moves he learned while watching a film with a talking dog (we had tons of those in the 0-0). Oh my god, what the fuck was I supposed to talk about, oh yeah, her childhood. Ehhhhh... It was gay? Not in the homosexual way (it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, just saying), but like... happy? I don't know, I can't even talk about the motherfucking household. Maaan, I'm trying to make a goddamn joke, but I can't thanks to my ignorance. Kinda sound like what 4 years with Mitt Romney would have been like. In elementary school, she was as quiet and empty as now, but was surrounded with kids. I think she wore braces for the ａｅｓｔｈｅｔｉｃ aspect of it, which is, in my humble cuckhold opinion, a freaking disgrace. That's right bitches, I'm a bracist. Braces are more than just ugly, they're annoying for the mouth and expensive, and I should know since I sucked Ted Cruz last week. Anyway, in elementary school, she did drawings... I think? Let's move on to the next paragraph before I do yet another Fema Camps joke, which I shouldn't have to do since they're already jokes from the beginning mixed with the lies procreated by the jewish media. In that wonderful summer of 2012 where people magically became smarter because they were preparing for High School, which of course will be the case again this summer since Cégep's coming, she started modeling for shady companies. I won't get on the how or why of the matter, cause I honestly don't know. Hell, I think it's paradoxical that she even accepted to do that since she's obviously a little shy and nervous when it comes to acting (which is a precursor to rectal cancer, look it up), but if that made her happy, I guess I can only say that I firmly disagree with that annoyingly creepy rat. FYI, I'm not even sure it was in 2012, but let's just assume that for the sake of having another pointless wikia page. Then again, I could be wrong about being wrong, shall I remember everyone that I'm an awkward teenage boy writing about an awkward teenage girl in a basement in Montréal-Nord. What happens next may or may not be obvious, let's just say that Cédrika Provencher is one of the bravest hero. So High School began and she absolutely loved her first 3 years in DawgStompers High in Laval. A nice little private school filled with Israeli-sympathizers and people who do no like to read. Seems like heaven for her. These 3 years were filled with hormones, which made her turn from a cold-hearted B to A delightful persona. Amusingly enough, they also made her turn from an A to a B. She eventually left this high school to devote herself to bigger subjects, such as drama and... yeah, that's pretty much it. A decision she obviously regretted. Her first weeks in Robert-Gravel (yeah, that fucking n00b didn't even witness the Saint-Louis era, when life was simpler and better) were as rough as the feeling I had in my heart when daddy abandoned me when I was 7 years old. She talked to a couple of asshats, notably that handsome devil Akhan and the Rubik's creep Jérémie, before finding true friendship in... guess what, girls. I don't want to be sexist here, but seems to me like that group of people (a group as big as Trump's inauguration crowd) is not very... homogeneous. If I wasn't this dumb, I'd probably say that it's somehow discriminating. The point of that previous paragraph is a little unclear to me (when you're on 4 four lokos, these shits happen), but what I meant to say is that her secondary 4 was adequately average. If only she knew what was waiting for all of us in secondary 5... I bet she would Amanda Todded the thing over (you know, glub, glub, bleach, bleach, die, die). Secondary 5 started as any normal year... wait I just said a load of bullshit right here, it was 2016, the year we lost personalities such as Carrie Fisher, David Bowie, Harambe and Murica/UK. Also, during the first days, some douchbag insulted me on the internet, I remember going like: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. Anyway, this year was for her very unpleasant in terms of school work, but in terms of friendship, it was one of her best year. Who can't forget that drunk catfight in the mud with Marie-Hélène? Or the instant old-school classic rap Webster made in front of a communist flag? Or that time she went with that nword Éliane on Chatroulette? Haha, the last one is perfect, I went on Chatroulette two minutes ago only to see two dudes and a chick masturbating, Chatroulette truly has more predators than both Alien vs. Predator films. It's funny to think that all the guys Danaé met on that website masturbated thinking about her. Not saying that I haven't, but jeez, that's still is a little creepy, and almost impossible. From that point on, who knows what the future holds for her. Due to her egregious mentality and almost albino-like skin-tone, I guess not much travel, except maybe in Europe, but you know, not a real continent. Who knows what sitcoms she'll write for or what people she will murder. The only thing that's sure is that she's going to join the Mormon Church (who's, btw, a totally made up religion where they force you to wear ridiculous underwear only to get laugh at by the people who heard about the Matt Stone and Trey Parker's musical), but is going to hate it, so much so that she will try and escape on September 11th 2017, which, as we all know, is the day President Pence realizes that he can just kill off people for no reason and will try to recreate in Montreal the 9/11 terrorists attacks. Only difference is, instead of using planes, he'll use gays and faggots. Canada, of course, is going to be okay with it for two reasons: First, Canada doesn't give a shit about Quebec. Second, the US is so far down our throats that we simply couldn't declare war on them. Danaé will ultimately perish on the tragedy that happened that day. THA END!!!!! Wait, did Jeremy Corbyn win? Wait, wait, wait, did I just do Danaé's biography without any movie references? Ehhhhhhhhh... Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room! ''There you have it, fuck you Review Section ''Hey guys, wanna hear about how much pussy I eat? Lemme tell ya, I eat pussy like a pussy vampire awakening after an eight hundred year slumber only to realize they've built a fully staffer Nunnery around me. I powered a small town in Trinidad and Tobago for three weeks once just by eating pussy with an electrical lead attached to my jaw. They call me El Pusstolero whenever I go back there to, yeah, you guessed it, eat pussy. I ate so much pussy once that I forgot to breathe, died, went to heaven, and got kicked out for eating all the angel pussy. I woke up in the morgue and went straight to prison for what I did up in that bitch right after. I'm sayin don't put me in a morgue, you know what I'm about. Shit. Anyway, I couldn't eat any pussy in jail, so I just closed my eyes and pretended... sorta like what Akhan's doing in this page. Alright, fuck all you guys, I'm out.' - Scott Baio ''''What, I'm a reviewer now? Okay, I'd say she's a solid 8. Wait, am I supposed to rate the page or the girl? Btw, STOP TWITTERING ME CUNT' - Ted Cruz 'If I truly have to rate this page, I'd give it a 16' - Henri CouGay 'It's maybe the salvia talking, but I thought this page was more lit than the fire I started in my elementary school, hahaha, free OJ' - Johnny Trigger-Warning 'Hi everyone, today we're going to write a happy little review and it will be our little secret. I think this page is wonderful. We can truly sense the feelings Akhan is trying to transmit toward Danaé. The passion in the writing is exquisite and I couldn't love more the emphasis on the little inside jokes. Talking about things that happen on the inside, I hear somethin' called 9/11 happened while I was gone, also, I just had sex, lol' - Bob Ross 'Pearl Harbor was a good thing, unlike this page.' - Rod Serling 'Kill yrself' - Dalai Lama 'Chuis ded' - Emmanuelle Riva | |[[Category:Characters]]||}}